May 29, 2009

We went to a birthday party for one of her friends at work. At the party, she drank most of a liter of Absolute, plus several jello shots. And I realized early on our drive to the party, that she had started at home. She predictably got hammered. At first she was sociable and fun to be around. Someone started playing cards and she couldn’t concentrate on the game at all. Then she started staggering around, spilling stuff and to top it all off, started mooning people. These are mostly people she works with and I can’t help but think this will have a negative impact at her workplace. Oh well. She finally decided it was time to go.

On the ride home, she got a bit depressed and was angry at something, but fortunately, not at me. Once home, we went to bed, but because she had smoked like a fiend, she was all congested and her sinuses clogged and she kept thrashing around, swearing loudly and blowing her nose all over the place and generally making it difficult for me to go to sleep. Finally she passed out after about and hour or so of that I was able to get to sleep, too.

May 28, 2009

Another softball game, another opportunity to go home early and start drinking without having to hide in her lounge. She was a little weird when I got back, barely touched her dinner, but there was no fighting so I guess that is all to the good. However, I just feel kind of cheated. I don’t really have a wife, when my ‘wife’ is drunk and not herself and acting all funny.

Later she started to obsess about a story in the paper. There was a horrible home invasion in Cheshire last year, some recently release ex-cons tracked a nice looking, prosperous woman from a Stop & Shop and broke in, raped and killed her and her daughters and thought they had killed the husband. Then they set the house on fire to cover their tracks. They had been found out and were immediately caught. The husband survived. The CT legislature has decided to do away with the death penalty and the husband wrote an impassioned letter to the legislature to change their minds and it was reported in the Courant. My wife read this and started obsessing about it. She was demanding that I think about it and wanted to know what it would be like if something like that were to happen at our house. I see no point in letting the sensationalist crap in the media dominate my thinking, and I refused to get into this whole pointless and upsetting discussion. The home invasion was horrible, the father’s anguish at the thought that these cretins would continue to live when his family was dead more then just understandable, but there is no point in obsessing about it. I have no sympathy for animals who would do such a thing and have no problem putting them down. At the same time, I understand the reluctance towards the death penalty. It is often misapplied, an appalling number of innocent men have been released from death row after years of living with a pending execution for a crime they did not commit. I have a problem with the state having the power to execute, as it is so often done in error. Wrongful imprisonment can be reversed, death can not be. I am conflicted about the death penalty, and that really isn’t my topic for this forum. My point here is that my wife lets the news make her crazy (I hate shows about 9-11, that never fails to put my wife into an emotional nose dive.) Her drinking sometimes makes her obsess and act compulsively. This just adds to the weirdness and drama of our home life.

May 27, 2009

Drinking again. Hardly ate any of the dinner she had me pick up. She says she is crampy and not feeling well. Perhaps, but the pint of vodka probably isn’t really helping, either.

May 26, 2009

Drinking after a nice quiet weekend. She insists that we have to go to the mall to buy a birthday present for a friend at work. This after I got two flowers from a bunch she and some other friend bought at the grocery store for our fourtenth anniversary.

No fighting, but we spent money we shouldn’t have and she was just weird.

May 22, 2009

Drinking yet again. Mildly obnoxious to the kids, but nothing to bad, yet.

May 21, 2009

She was drinking, but not to bad tonight.

May 20, 2009

It was our fourteenth wedding anniversary. I took her to a really nice restaurant where they make absolutely delicious Italian food. She was drunk and loud and profane. I just let it all slide and enjoyed the evening. The food was excellent. I made sure I enjoyed myself inspite of the drunken things coming out of her mouth.

May 19, 2009

Drinking again. No fights, she went to bed early.

May 18, 2009

Drinking again. No fights, but she got upset and weepy about something. She wouldn’t talk and I didn’t push. I have decided that I spend to much time and energy on her, letting her moods define my life and I can’t do that any more. I care about her, I wish she would do what ever it takes to get better, but I can’t do it for her. Nor does my being dragged into the maelstrom help anybody. Not me, not the kids. So I am minimizing my thoughts and energy on this. I will continue to document it, but I will not obsess any more.

May 14, 2009

Nope, no talking again tonight, she is still drinking. But she isn’t fighting with me and she probably thinks she is fooling me about her drinking. She isn’t. And if I can’t have a decent conversation about us, her drinking and our future together, that future is going to be very short.